A Confession

There is a confession that I would like to make to you, dear reader.

I am a human being.

It means that I am not perfect.  It means that I will make mistakes.  It means that more than likely I will hurt you at some point.  In fact, if you are reading this, perhaps I have already hurt you.  It means that you will not understand me.  It means we will have differing opinions.  It means that when you hear I’m an introvert you will probably not agree because I like to talk to people – but it is true.  I do like people – in small doses.  I do not trust easily, and that is because I know that others are humans too – one day I will be let down in some way.  Yes, my dear reader listen up – you are human too.  What do we do about that?

It’s been quite a long time since I have added a post.  Life goes pretty fast and gets a little crazy.  I get to work at 7:30 each morning and take care of beautiful infants all day.  I come home to take a breath.  I might get some reading in or make a few phone calls.  Then, I start dinner for my husband.  We eat dinner, we settle down for the evening, maybe reading or watching a movie.  We go get the mail.  We shower.  We go to bed.  It starts over the next day.  My weekends are full of errand running and spending time in church.  My life feels so fast and so full of things to do, though I question that.  How am I this busy?  We don’t even have children of our own yet.  Plenty of people have kids, more than one job, lots of hobbies, and the like – where do they get that time?

Just keeping myself together is a full time job.  And yet, I want to live as Jesus lived.  I want to love others.   I want to help others.  But, what does that look like?

I do the best I can.  I feel that what God has blessed me with is a worshipful spirit.  I enjoy worship.  I like to enjoy nature and art and I try to thank the Creator for his creations.  I also feel that he has given me the gift of encouragement.  I think I am mostly here to use my words for others (thus why I have a blog).

Is this enough?  Maybe not.  But, I know that I will never truly be enough.  Not on my own.

I try to constantly be in prayer about things.  If I know someone is going through a hard time, I will pray for them, send good thoughts, and hope for something better for them.  I do not think God wants me to completely upend my life to help – but I think he calls us all to specific things.  Maybe there will be times I will have to completely upend my life – however I think God will make that clear.

 What is my strength?  Talking to people.

I could spend an entire night on the phone verbally working things out with a friend.  I feel like I can send cards and letters and prayers into the ether and feel that God is pleased with me.  I can try to balance between my responsibilities at home and my love for other people.

But, is it really enough?  I don’t know.  However, I will admit that I don’t have all the answers.  I think that is really all we can do – realize that by ourselves we will never be good enough.

I will never be a perfect friend, daughter, sister, teacher, wife, churchgoer, etc.

How could I be?  I do not expect perfection from others.  At least I try not to.  I know that ultimately they would let me down and I would make them feel guilty.  That is no way to glorify God or love people.

As a wife, I feel it is my job to be there for my husband.  I want to serve him and be Christ-like with him.  I do not find it selfish of me to pay attention to him when he is going through a hard time.  He’s the real writer in the family, and like many artistic beings he has a melancholic nature.  Do I think it is bad to talk out his feelings with him just because he is my husband?  Do I do this just to make myself feel better?  I don’t.  I think that every person who comes into our lives is sacred and beautiful and we do everything we can to help them see that in themselves.  Especially in the case of a spouse.

I think it is very important to care about social justice, and to do what we can to help our fellow man.  I try to love and send love out to those in need.  When I can, I lend money or goods.  When I can I ask around to see if someone needs anything.  Whether this person is a follower of Christ or not makes no difference to me.  Maybe I will talk to them in a different way – but I try to make it clear that I love people because He first loved me.  I do not do this for me.  I do this because I try to follow Him, and following Him means I will desire good for others.  That is what He desires.

In the case of other Christians  I find that the most important thing to do is point them back toward God when the going gets rough.  I do not have all the answers.  I am not able to fix them.  I don’t want to have a God complex – I want them to know relationship with the One True God, and know that I cannot solve things for them.

I want to help everyone, but I can’t.  I don’t want them to think that I can.  So, what does this look like?  I struggle daily wondering if I am doing the “right thing”.  Is the path I am on the correct path for me?  Is God angry with me?  Is that one mistake I made a few weeks ago going to haunt me for years to come?  Should I quit my job and find something else?  Is that the responsible thing to do?  What is the difference between making sacrifices and being reckless or irresponsible?  Am I likable at all?  Why is it so hard to be close to people?  Am I a good enough wife?  Am I a good teacher?  Will I be an awful mother?  Why can’t I just do and be everything I’m supposed to be?  Who am I supposed to be?

I feel like I have more questions than answers.  The only thing I know for sure is this:

I am a human being.  And that is okay.