It snowed last night. In November! And, to be honest, this wasn’t even the first snow of the year. We had a bit of a dusting earlier on, which came as a surprise. It was R’s first snow. I thought that her first snow would happen later, so I had to jump up and bundle up to take her out and show her how the landscape had changed. She stared at the tree outside of the house for a long time, trying to figure why it was now white. The leaves hadn’t even fallen off of it yet, so it was a nice sight.
I am restless today. I’ve been restless for a while. I am in a very odd place spiritually. I’m not depressed – I have been before but that’s not what this is. I feel like God is distant. I haven’t felt His presence lately. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I feel the Spirit moving when I am worshipping on Sunday morning. It is fleeting.
I feel like I’m in a fog. It could just be the sleep deprivation from having a little one. I thought since bringing life into the world is such a spiritual experience that I would feel Him throughout my day – especially now that I am not working full-time. However, I just feel aloof and exhausted.
It isn’t because of the baby. I am not blaming this phenomenon on her. I just feel odd. I’m not sure exactly what His will for me is right now. I mean, I know He wants me to be a mother, and I am doing the best I can on that front. But, outside of that – what kind of ministry is He calling me to?
I feel like He isn’t saying anything to me. Perhaps I’m not listening hard enough. I have always heard that if the Lord feels distant that it isn’t Him who moved. I’m sure that is true – He seeks me. He values me. Yet, I still feel lost.
I must not be pulling my weight. I worship. I try to pray, but it feels so false right now. I’m not sure why. Sometimes in the evenings The Nerd and I haven’t had much time to give to our evening prayer together because we are dealing with the baby. Again, I’m not blaming her – we need to work on making it a priority. It has just become so hard to concentrate. So hard to “be still and know.”
I’m not giving up. I am praising him through this season. I see so many great ways the Spirit is working in our church family, and while I am a little disappointed that I’m not “feeling” it, I know He is greater than my doubt and my uncertainty and my exhaustion.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Maybe this is just a Mary/Martha problem. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know He is there, but the silence is deafening. I will keep on keeping on.