I’m going to let the poetry speak for itself.
It’s probably a little strange for another 31 days series to be on my list of good gifts, but coming across it has been kismet. As I’ve already briefly alluded to, I’ve been in a funk lately. That’s putting it mildly. … Continue reading
A brand new day is acknowledgement from the Father that you aren’t finished yet. No matter how tired you feel. No matter how defeated. I’ve felt pretty out of touch lately. Depressed, tired, worn-down. And yet, I have a new … Continue reading
My daughter is such a snuggly little bug. I have to admit, she gets it honest. The Nerd and I are pretty touchy feely – physical touch is definitely our love language. Today she is 15 months old, which is … Continue reading
It snowed last night. In November! And, to be honest, this wasn’t even the first snow of the year. We had a bit of a dusting earlier on, which came as a surprise. It was R’s first snow. I thought that her first snow would happen later, so I had to jump up and bundle up to take her out and show her how the landscape had changed. She stared at the tree outside of the house for a long time, trying to figure why it was now white. The leaves hadn’t even fallen off of it yet, so it was a nice sight.
I am restless today. I’ve been restless for a while. I am in a very odd place spiritually. I’m not depressed – I have been before but that’s not what this is. I feel like God is distant. I haven’t felt His presence lately. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I feel the Spirit moving when I am worshipping on Sunday morning. It is fleeting.
I feel like I’m in a fog. It could just be the sleep deprivation from having a little one. I thought since bringing life into the world is such a spiritual experience that I would feel Him throughout my day – especially now that I am not working full-time. However, I just feel aloof and exhausted.
It isn’t because of the baby. I am not blaming this phenomenon on her. I just feel odd. I’m not sure exactly what His will for me is right now. I mean, I know He wants me to be a mother, and I am doing the best I can on that front. But, outside of that – what kind of ministry is He calling me to?
I feel like He isn’t saying anything to me. Perhaps I’m not listening hard enough. I have always heard that if the Lord feels distant that it isn’t Him who moved. I’m sure that is true – He seeks me. He values me. Yet, I still feel lost.
I must not be pulling my weight. I worship. I try to pray, but it feels so false right now. I’m not sure why. Sometimes in the evenings The Nerd and I haven’t had much time to give to our evening prayer together because we are dealing with the baby. Again, I’m not blaming her – we need to work on making it a priority. It has just become so hard to concentrate. So hard to “be still and know.”
I’m not giving up. I am praising him through this season. I see so many great ways the Spirit is working in our church family, and while I am a little disappointed that I’m not “feeling” it, I know He is greater than my doubt and my uncertainty and my exhaustion.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Maybe this is just a Mary/Martha problem. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know He is there, but the silence is deafening. I will keep on keeping on.
Labor of Love Part Two: Hospital I am in a hospital bed, feeling a bit stronger thanks to the IV fluids, but I’m still pretty weak and uncomfortable. I try to rest, but until I get the epidural I’m not … Continue reading
28- When I was young, I grew up in a church environment that included “Children’s Church” during the main service. Most of the time I didn’t want to go, instead I wanted to stay with my parents and go to … Continue reading
I am devastated, but I’m also desperate. R is five days old and has dropped in weight more than what the pediatrician is comfortable with. She wants us to start supplementing with formula. After 37 hours of labor, not being … Continue reading
I wake up in a panic. The baby was supposed to sleep in my room tonight. Where is the baby? Oh no, is it crawling on the ceiling again? It’s on the ceiling, I’ll get in trouble! I’m so disoriented … Continue reading
This show has been going so well and now a small hiccup has sent me into a wave of anxiety. “I’m only 17 years old and I’m in charge of this show, people are counting on me I don’t know … Continue reading