Halfway there! As much as I’m enjoying writing every day, it’s hard to fit it in and I’m feeling tired. But, I’m pushing on! Props to all my fellow 31 Dayers – we can do it! Today, I’d like to … Continue reading
When I was a freshman in high school, my friend A told me I should join her for Drama Club one afternoon. It sounded like fun. I had been in pageants in elementary school (thanks to my ability to memorize) … Continue reading
My best friend is my cousin. We are only a few weeks apart, so we grew up together. We are practically twins (and honestly, we think there is a conspiracy between our mothers and we actually are twins.) We have … Continue reading
It’s probably a little strange for another 31 days series to be on my list of good gifts, but coming across it has been kismet. As I’ve already briefly alluded to, I’ve been in a funk lately. That’s putting it mildly. … Continue reading
I am a lit nerd through and through. When I first found out The Nerd was a librarian, before we were anything more than acquaintances working on a production, I got so excited. I jumped up and down. “How cool!” … Continue reading
I sometimes wonder why I have this blog. I really do enjoy writing, but real life gets in the way sometimes. I honestly need to work on my discipline. I focus most of my attention on my little girl, who … Continue reading
It snowed last night. In November! And, to be honest, this wasn’t even the first snow of the year. We had a bit of a dusting earlier on, which came as a surprise. It was R’s first snow. I thought that her first snow would happen later, so I had to jump up and bundle up to take her out and show her how the landscape had changed. She stared at the tree outside of the house for a long time, trying to figure why it was now white. The leaves hadn’t even fallen off of it yet, so it was a nice sight.
I am restless today. I’ve been restless for a while. I am in a very odd place spiritually. I’m not depressed – I have been before but that’s not what this is. I feel like God is distant. I haven’t felt His presence lately. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I feel the Spirit moving when I am worshipping on Sunday morning. It is fleeting.
I feel like I’m in a fog. It could just be the sleep deprivation from having a little one. I thought since bringing life into the world is such a spiritual experience that I would feel Him throughout my day – especially now that I am not working full-time. However, I just feel aloof and exhausted.
It isn’t because of the baby. I am not blaming this phenomenon on her. I just feel odd. I’m not sure exactly what His will for me is right now. I mean, I know He wants me to be a mother, and I am doing the best I can on that front. But, outside of that – what kind of ministry is He calling me to?
I feel like He isn’t saying anything to me. Perhaps I’m not listening hard enough. I have always heard that if the Lord feels distant that it isn’t Him who moved. I’m sure that is true – He seeks me. He values me. Yet, I still feel lost.
I must not be pulling my weight. I worship. I try to pray, but it feels so false right now. I’m not sure why. Sometimes in the evenings The Nerd and I haven’t had much time to give to our evening prayer together because we are dealing with the baby. Again, I’m not blaming her – we need to work on making it a priority. It has just become so hard to concentrate. So hard to “be still and know.”
I’m not giving up. I am praising him through this season. I see so many great ways the Spirit is working in our church family, and while I am a little disappointed that I’m not “feeling” it, I know He is greater than my doubt and my uncertainty and my exhaustion.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Maybe this is just a Mary/Martha problem. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know He is there, but the silence is deafening. I will keep on keeping on.
28- When I was young, I grew up in a church environment that included “Children’s Church” during the main service. Most of the time I didn’t want to go, instead I wanted to stay with my parents and go to … Continue reading
25: The Nerd and I when we were first getting to know each other. This was taken during a rehearsal for our first show together. 26: The Nerd on stage as Malvolio in Twelfth Night. 27: Our wedding day. I think … Continue reading
I wasn’t quite asleep yet when my mother got the call. I was in that in-between phase of sleep where I was just starting to drift. I heard her breathlessly tell my dad that her mom was not feeling well … Continue reading