It snowed last night. In November! And, to be honest, this wasn’t even the first snow of the year. We had a bit of a dusting earlier on, which came as a surprise. It was R’s first snow. I thought that her first snow would happen later, so I had to jump up and bundle up to take her out and show her how the landscape had changed. She stared at the tree outside of the house for a long time, trying to figure why it was now white. The leaves hadn’t even fallen off of it yet, so it was a nice sight.

I am restless today. I’ve been restless for a while. I am in a very odd place spiritually. I’m not depressed – I have been before but that’s not what this is. I feel like God is distant. I haven’t felt His presence lately. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I feel the Spirit moving when I am worshipping on Sunday morning. It is fleeting.

I feel like I’m in a fog. It could just be the sleep deprivation from having a little one. I thought since bringing life into the world is such a spiritual experience that I would feel Him throughout my day – especially now that I am not working full-time. However, I just feel aloof and exhausted.

It isn’t because of the baby. I am not blaming this phenomenon on her. I just feel odd. I’m not sure exactly what His will for me is right now. I mean, I know He wants me to be a mother, and I am doing the best I can on that front. But, outside of that – what kind of ministry is He calling me to?

I feel like He isn’t saying anything to me. Perhaps I’m not listening hard enough. I have always heard that if the Lord feels distant that it isn’t Him who moved. I’m sure that is true – He seeks me. He values me. Yet, I still feel lost.

I must not be pulling my weight. I worship. I try to pray, but it feels so false right now. I’m not sure why. Sometimes in the evenings The Nerd and I haven’t had much time to give to our evening prayer together because we are dealing with the baby. Again, I’m not blaming her – we need to work on making it a priority. It has just become so hard to concentrate. So hard to “be still and know.”

I’m not giving up. I am praising him through this season. I see so many great ways the Spirit is working in our church family, and while I am a little disappointed that I’m not “feeling” it, I know He is greater than my doubt and my uncertainty and my exhaustion.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Maybe this is just a Mary/Martha problem. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know He is there, but the silence is deafening. I will keep on keeping on.

A random thought for the day that I can’t help but write

I don’t like when people use my Jesus to judge something they simply don’t like or understand.  I am well aware that we are all sinners.  I acknowledge that fact.  But we are ALL sinners, we all fall short.  We are human  beings.  No one is better than the other.  That is why we have to show love to those who do not know The Way.  Yes, let them know about their sin, but only after they understand what that word even means.  We can’t throw Bible verses at people who don’t see the Bible as Sacred.  We have to love them first then teach them.  Plant seeds.  Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was and he didn’t answer by listing all the things one shouldn’t do.  We do that.  We are so proud to be “right”.  We are so ready to call others out and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do.  Jesus’ answer to that question was to love God and love other people.  It should be simple.  We can’t judge.  He will give us the Spirit and give us grace to help lead people to him.  When I introduce my friends to people I don’t say, “Hey this is George, he hates…” and then start naming off all the things George does not like.  Would that really show you who George is?  And yet we do that with our God.  We presume to know what he hates and we lump people in with their sins.  How is that supposed to make them come to know Christ?  We are supposed to speak the truth in LOVE.  Not condemn and judge those we barely know.

Love people then teach them how to follow Him.  The end.